Thursday, October 31, 2013

Obama and the Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins

Our sensitive and caring President took time out of his busy schedule during the recent government shutdown to inform us that the Washington Redskins should think about changing the name of their football team in order to avoid offending Native Americans....

According to a 2004 survey, 90% of Native Americans were not actually bothered by the term "Redskins" and many Native American schools use the name for their school teams (

But let's leave that aside, as clearly a minority within a minority is offended by the name "Redskins".

President Obama did not, however, go on to make positive suggestions for changing the name to something that would more accurately express the feelings of Americans towards Washington D.C. and all of our elected officials.  To remedy this oversight Commander Kelly had come up with a list of alternate team names that would address this dire problem facing the nation's capitol....

First, there are alliterative options such as...

Washington Weenies
Washington Weasels
Washington Wimps
Washington Wankers
Washington Weaklings
Washington Wusses
Washington Worms
Washington Werewolves
Washington Worthless
Washington Waiverers
Washington Witless
Washington Will O' the Wisps

Then there are more descriptive options...

Washington Drones
Washington Gridlockers
Washington Losers
Washington Leakers
Washington Sell-outs
Washington Scumbags
Washington Liars
Washington Blow-hards
Washington Bloviators
Washington Hypocrites
Washington Fence-Riders
Washington Deceivers
Washington Dunces
Washington Gutless
Washington Cro-Magnons
Washington Duds
Washington Poll-takers
Washington Num-nuts
Washington Spineless
Washington Nitwits
Washington Drunkards
Washington Sexters
Washington Teleprompters
Washington Un-named Sources
Washington Scumbag Millionaires (Bollywood combines political types and NFL felons)

PETA may object, but there are some choice animals names that remain unused by the NFL...

Washington Dinosaurs
Washington Dodo Birds
Washington Snakes
Washington Sloths
Washington Goats
Washington Horny Toads
Washington Vermin
Washington Rats
Washington Pigs
Washington Turkeys (Benjamin Franklin would surely have approved)
Washington Trough-Gobblers
Washington Monkeys
Washington Apes
Washington Invertebrates

If the franchise were to move to London and play at Wembley they would just require a small tweak...

Go London Redcoats!
Guards Museum, London
London Redcoats (Great Match-up when they play the New England Patriots!)

Finally, there his my own personal favorite...

Washington Zombies (Go Team Z!)

On second thought, perhaps they should just stick with "Washington Redskins" (about 80% of Americans actually agree on something -- see video below).  Go Redskins!

Commander Kelly invites you, dear reader, to come up with your own helpful suggestions for new and improved names for Washington's NFL franchise in the Comment field below.

You can order Commander Kelly's first book, America Invades or on


John Emerson Platt said...

Maybe they could be renamed the "Washington SpendandTaxers" and their mascot could be a 3- legged dog chasing its tail.

John Emerson Platt said...

Maybe they could be renamed the "Washington SpendandTaxers" and their mascot could be a 3- legged dog chasing its tail.

Commander Kelly said...

Saw this today. Wish I'd written it!

"The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, violence, counter-productivity, ill-spiritedness, un-Godliness, and hostility associated with their name.

From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins."